angry, mad, or just plain stupid

i am angry.

i am mad?

nope, i am just plain stupid.

over the course of my life i have had some fairly remarkable experiences. going to school with kids who are (or were) famous and well known. traveling around the country for free during college so i could argue with other college kids and win trophies. serving with godly men and women who seemed giants of the faith, who poured into me as a young Christian. meeting, serving with, and networking with numerous people of note, respect, and power in industry. obtaining clients with cache. marrying the perfect woman and fathering amazing children.

over the course of my life i have been entrenched in strife and tragedy. growing up the child of divorced and remarried parents. living as poorly as you could imagine in a rural area. moving from school to school never making lasting relationships. becoming obese and the object of ridicule during puberty and failing to adjust to life as college student. being the cause of devastating tragedy for others and the long road back to rebuilding my life. losing loved ones. being trapped by soul crushing debt and losing my home.

i have committed myself to a life where my goal and purpose is to see others become the best version of themselves possible and have forged long lasting connections for doing such.

i have believed the lies of the enemy, convincing me that my worth is not enough to take care of the family God has blessed me with.

through it all i strive to seek the face of Jesus, to grow closer to Him. to embrace what my elder shared with me: “to know what Christ knows, to pray like Christ prays, and to love like Christ loves.” i stand firm in the faith. steadfast in my convictions.

yet i sit back and indulge the enemy and question my life and what it amounts to. i allow myself to compare my opportunities to those around me and wonder when i will get my turn. i cry out to God for help. for answers. for guidance. for peace. then turn my heart to longing for what i do not yet have and get angry i do not have it.

i am mad that the very thing i desire is seemingly withheld from me.

and as i allow myself this indulgence, inevitable reality sinks in and i resolve myself to my stupidity. despite the abundance of blessings in my life and the immense sorrow i have been delivered from, i am still that same petulant child demanding more, demanding to be heard, demanding to have my anger satisfied.

no, i am just plain stupid.

i finally have come to terms with a simple fact that God has been dealing with in my life over the past three years. that He has already shown me what i need to know and that i have missed it. many who know me have heard me quote this, but today its meaning is new.

“With what shall I come to the LORD and bow myself before the God on high? Shall I come to Him with burnt offerings, with yearling calves? Does the LORD take delight in thousands of rams, in ten thousand rivers of oil? Shall I present my firstborn for my rebellious acts, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?

“He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” Micah 6:6-8 (NASB)

i have come to the Lord offering all that i am, all that i have, and all that i do. i have done good things. i have overcome much. i seek to do justice. i seek to love kindness. i strive to have a humble and contrite spirit. but the one thing i have failed to do the most is to just walk with God.

i am just plain stupid.